Bisexual Visibility Day – Feeling Like I Don’t Fit

It’s funny, I’ve had this half-finished blog post sitting in my drafts for months.  It never felt like quite the right time to post it.  Even though it’s Bisexual Visibility Day, I still hesitated to write a blog post about it.  And why is that?

The very reason I should blog about it is the reason I hesitate.

I don’t feel like I fit anywhere. I don’t feel like I have an identity.

I hate that. I know I’m letting other people’s views of me color who I am and how I behave.  That’s not me.  But I’m human.  I have doubts,  I second-guess myself.

I live in a world where some people honestly believe that bisexuals don’t exist.  They think it’s a phase, or something that people grow out of.  They think that by marrying a man, my bisexuality no longer exists.

And although I know better, on some level, those thoughts are internalized.

But choosing to marry my husband doesn’t negate my previous relationship with a woman.  It doesn’t negate how much she meant to me or how devastated I was when our relationship ended.  It doesn’t change the fact that I am still attracted to women.  That if, perish the thought, my husband were no longer around, I might fall in love with a woman again.

Why is so hard to believe that we human beings are capable of a broad range of emotions? Why is it difficult to believe that gender isn’t the most crucial part of attraction for some of us?

I don’t have the answers.  I don’t have the magic words to explain it to people.

I do think this video does an excellent job summing up many of the frustrations I have while educating in a humorous way.

I guess when it comes right down to it, I’m a work in progress.  I’m still learning about myself, I’m still discovering my identity.  Sometimes I think pansexual might be a better term for who I am and how I feel, but that’s a post for another day.

There will be days when I don’t feel like I fit.  Days where I resent having to label myself at all. And days where I know I’m part of a much larger community.  One who supports me, encourages me, makes me feel welcome.  One who embraces me for being me.

Today is the latter and I’m grateful for that.

So speak up.  Be proud of who you are.  And know you’re not alone.

11 thoughts on “Bisexual Visibility Day – Feeling Like I Don’t Fit

  1. Great and very honest post. I can’t imagine what it must feel like being you and having your very essence questioned by others. On the other hand I have no doubt you is exactly who you are. I have a huge issue with labels at the best of times. But if people are going to insist on using them, the least they can do is accept them without question. I can honestly say I’ve never given a lot of thought about hetero-, homo-, or bi-sexuality. As far as I’m concerned we’re attracted to whomever we’re attracted to and it’s none of my business who you are attracted to just as it’s none of yours who I find attractive. I don’t think it’s a static thing, and I definitely don’t think it’s one size fits all.

    I live for the day when people can be who they are, love who they love and live their lives the way is best for them. Until that day try to remember that you are perfect just the way you are, regardless of what others might think or say. Their ideas say nothing about you and everything about them.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you!

      It’s a funny thing to begin to doubt yourself. And like everything else in life it’s different from day to day. Some days there is nothing someone could say that would shake how I feel. Some days it rolls right off my back. And sometimes there’s a chink in the armor that lets the doubt in. Thankfully, those days are are few and far between but I think it’s something that people should talk about.

      I think slowly but surely more people will have an attitude like yours.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I still don’t know what label to call myself. Gay? That fits most of the time, but then there are the days when I want to put on makeup and swish my hips. The days when a woman catches my eye and I turn to watch her walk away. Not quite trans, not quite bi… maybe pansexual, though that doesn’t fit 100% either. *sigh*

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I still don’t get why we have to label ourselves. I wouldn’t even think to label someone I’ve met or who I enjoy as an artist or as a fellow human being. As an artist … I appreciate the human body. Each of us appreciates our own perception of another human being. Why does the depth of perception of another human being have to be labeled? Be interested in who you find attractive … intelligent … humorous … worth spending time with. Don’t label yourself or let others label you … be a living human being engaged in living with other human beings. I am invested in each of you & I don’t label you anything but my friends & favorite authors! Love to each if you from Alaska

    Liked by 1 person

    • Labeling can be a good thing, Ann. It helps me know that I am not alone, that there are other people like me.

      It absolutely has its downsides and I fervently believe that no one should force a label on anyone else. But sometimes, it can help a person learn more about who they are and help them connect with someone else.


  4. Well said. I have very similar days, where I feel isolated or part of a bigger community and it’s a crapshoot what day that is. The looks I get when new people realize my ex is a man, the father of my kids, and (mostly) still my friend and that my fiancée is a woman, whom I love with every beat of my crazy heart… well, those looks could be the subject of a comedic documentary. Disbelief, surprise, horror, shock, even anger, before going carefully blank. Never easy, is it?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. Unfortunately, I can imagine the looks all too well, AJ.

      I get the look of polite disbelief usually. With the condescending, “Well, but you’re not /really/ bi, since you’re married to a man.”

      It ISN’T easy and some days it’s very very frustrating.

      But then there’s days like yesterday where I am so, so glad I told my parents that I’m bi. They were at the climate march in NYC on Sunday and mentioned that they saw a LGBTQ group. They wanted to know if they were right about what they guessed the “Q” meant. And now we can talk about things like that and I don’t feel like I’m hiding and they feel included and it’s so much better for all of us.


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