It’s funny, I’ve had this half-finished blog post sitting in my drafts for months. It never felt like quite the right time to post it. Even though it’s Bisexual Visibility Day, I still hesitated to write a blog post about it. And why is that?
The very reason I should blog about it is the reason I hesitate.
I don’t feel like I fit anywhere. I don’t feel like I have an identity.
I hate that. I know I’m letting other people’s views of me color who I am and how I behave. That’s not me. But I’m human. I have doubts, I second-guess myself.
I live in a world where some people honestly believe that bisexuals don’t exist. They think it’s a phase, or something that people grow out of. They think that by marrying a man, my bisexuality no longer exists.
And although I know better, on some level, those thoughts are internalized.
But choosing to marry my husband doesn’t negate my previous relationship with a woman. It doesn’t negate how much she meant to me or how devastated I was when our relationship ended. It doesn’t change the fact that I am still attracted to women. That if, perish the thought, my husband were no longer around, I might fall in love with a woman again.
Why is so hard to believe that we human beings are capable of a broad range of emotions? Why is it difficult to believe that gender isn’t the most crucial part of attraction for some of us?
I don’t have the answers. I don’t have the magic words to explain it to people.
I do think this video does an excellent job summing up many of the frustrations I have while educating in a humorous way.
I guess when it comes right down to it, I’m a work in progress. I’m still learning about myself, I’m still discovering my identity. Sometimes I think pansexual might be a better term for who I am and how I feel, but that’s a post for another day.
There will be days when I don’t feel like I fit. Days where I resent having to label myself at all. And days where I know I’m part of a much larger community. One who supports me, encourages me, makes me feel welcome. One who embraces me for being me.
Today is the latter and I’m grateful for that.
So speak up. Be proud of who you are. And know you’re not alone.